You might be a martial artist if....
You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance.
You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church.
You answer your boss Ussss.
You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position (one hand open the other closed) after grace at the dinner table.
You tie your bathrobe belt in a square knot. Then check to make sure the ends are exactly even.
You accept change from the cashier using a perfect knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.
Every time you handle a screwdriver or razor knife, etc. You just can't help changing grip from hammer to reverse to flip over to dagger grip etc. And your shop help is standing cautiously far, far away from you.
When you're outside doing landscaping/gardening you "practice" with all the neat weapons.
The Zen Pizzeria
A simple and hungry Zen monk walks into a busy pizza restaurant and places his order: "Make me one with everything."
Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
You will have trouble with the ties on your dobok pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.
The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.
Martial arts jokes...
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him right off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a kung fu chop from China." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and continues what he was doing when all of a sudden-WHACK!!-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a karate chop from Japan." The little guy, not wanting any trouble,and thinking this guy is nuts, gets up off the floor, grabs his beer and moves a few seats further down the bar, and continues to sip at his beer. All of a sudden, --WHACK!!-- without warning, he feels this foot kick him upside the head and he goes sprawling to the floor once again. The big dude says with a smile, "That's kickboxing from Thailand." The little guy, having had enough of this gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He had been gone for about an hour when he returned, and without saying a word, walks up behind the big dude and-WHACK!!!-- knocks the big dude off his stool and lays him out cold! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."
You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance.
You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church.
You answer your boss Ussss.
You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position (one hand open the other closed) after grace at the dinner table.
You tie your bathrobe belt in a square knot. Then check to make sure the ends are exactly even.
You accept change from the cashier using a perfect knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.
Every time you handle a screwdriver or razor knife, etc. You just can't help changing grip from hammer to reverse to flip over to dagger grip etc. And your shop help is standing cautiously far, far away from you.
When you're outside doing landscaping/gardening you "practice" with all the neat weapons.
The Zen Pizzeria
A simple and hungry Zen monk walks into a busy pizza restaurant and places his order: "Make me one with everything."
Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
You will have trouble with the ties on your dobok pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.
The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.
Martial arts jokes...
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him right off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a kung fu chop from China." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and continues what he was doing when all of a sudden-WHACK!!-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a karate chop from Japan." The little guy, not wanting any trouble,and thinking this guy is nuts, gets up off the floor, grabs his beer and moves a few seats further down the bar, and continues to sip at his beer. All of a sudden, --WHACK!!-- without warning, he feels this foot kick him upside the head and he goes sprawling to the floor once again. The big dude says with a smile, "That's kickboxing from Thailand." The little guy, having had enough of this gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He had been gone for about an hour when he returned, and without saying a word, walks up behind the big dude and-WHACK!!!-- knocks the big dude off his stool and lays him out cold! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."
| When people say... | They really mean this ... |
| Japanese martial arts are the best! | I practice a Japanese martial art. |
| This art is thousands of years old. | This style is decades old. |
| The martial arts are about building better people. | The martial arts are about sweat, bruises and money. |
| Chinese martial arts are the best! | I practice a Chinese martial art. |
| High kicks are stupid. | I can't do high kicks. |
| Sparring is extremely important. | I'm good at fighting and I like it and I can't do much of anything else. |
| The martial arts are about building better people. | The martial arts are about beating people up if they lay a finger on you. |
| Korean martial arts are the best. | I practice a Korean martial art. |
| Breaking techniques are very important. | We do a lot of breaking techniques. |
| I don't believe in grades. | Nobody ever gave me a high grade. |
| The martial arts are about building better evolved characters. | Like me. |
| Filipino martial arts are the best. | I practice a Filipino martial art. |
| Sophisticated arts like Tai Chi and Aikido are far superior. | Sparring frightens me. |
| He's a good martial arts teacher. | He's in my organization. |
| He's a lousy martial arts teacher. | He used to be in my organization but he broke away and I don't get any money out of him anymore. |
| My style is the best. | I don't know anything about any other styles. |
| Grades are not important. | There's a grading coming up and it's important. |
| Breaking techniques are useless. | I can't do breaking techniques. |
| I'm an innovative, free-thinking, modern Western martial arts teacher, doing my own non-classical thing. | I'm more interested in teaching than learning; and the Orientals ignore me because they know how ignorant I am. |
| Martial arts politics are the necessary result of official recognition by respectable associations to protect the public. | I belong to a large, well-established organization. |
| I hate martial arts politics. | None of the large, well-established organizations recognize me or have the slightest interest in my existence. |
| In this system, we make the art fit the person. | In this system, we make the person fit the art. |
| Competitions are a waste of time. | I've never won any competitions. |
| Forms or kata are the highest expression of the inner essence of the martial arts. | I read that somewhere -- and I've had enough of tournaments. |
| Forms or kata are useless. | Bruce Lee said forms are useless and this relieves me of a lot of effort, so go argue with him. |
| One style is not better than another -- it's the individual that counts. | Don't go to another school -- it's the style we teach here that counts. |
| The techniques aren't important. | I wouldn't know what else to do with the principles so it's the techniques that are important. |
| Bruce Lee didn't know what he was talking about. | I don't know what Bruce Lee was talking about. |
| Size and strength are not important. | Size and strength are important, especially if you're fighting somebody who's bigger and stronger than you are. |
| Science and leverage will always win out over bruce force. | Except when he's bigger and stronger than you are. |
| The purpose of the martial arts is spiritual development and liberation from the ego. | I'm so humble and wise, it's terrific. |
